Auntie Kylie Attends The Golden Globes

This was a work event, don't get it twisted

Baby, I have clocked back in!

Auntie Kylie has been trying to play this “privacy” game regarding her relationship or situationship with Timothée Chalamet. NOT ON MY WATCH!

I told the Malikas now that I’m back, we need to hit the ground running. Fill my calendar up like Scott’s cup in Vegas.

My first meeting was with Auntie Kylie.

I let Auntie know, I’m in charge again and she has work to do. Kris has been letting her coast for way too long. She barely promotes this so-called clothing brand and she pushes canned vodka sodas like Uncle Rob’s rent is due. And I know she’s still not using Kylie Cosmetics as her claim to fame. Lip Kits are so 2015. I think they have one in the Smithsonian.

The makeup and the little clothes are cute. And who doesn’t love a canned cocktail, but we were about to hard launch her relationship with a B+ actor at a major awards show. These are the big leagues.

My interactions with Timothée have been brief, however I respect him as an actor. I’m not familiar with his body of work, but Chi loved “Wonka”. However, consider the source. This is the same girl who also told Corey that his Dolce & Gabbana silk short set collection was going to change the world of men’s fashion. She’s full of delusion and bad taste.

Timothée and his team joined the meeting via Zoom. Timothée is a very busy man or boy? To be honest I’m not sure what I’m dealing with. One minute he looks 13-years-old and the next, he looks like a 13-year-old playing the role of a 29-year-old. How old is he??

At the start of the meeting, I had one of the Malikas pull up the agenda.

It’s a New Year and that means a new me. From now on, I require that all my meetings have an agenda or we don’t meet. I don’t want to say names, but there has been numerous occasions where I’m in a meeting with a certain individual, and we get off topic and suddenly we’ve spent 20 minutes on Albama’s music career when we’re supposed to be talking about shutting down POOSH because doesn’t bring in any money.

The Agenda went as follows:

• Intros

  • Who are you, what do you do?

    • Please don’t assume I know who you are. You will get your feelings hurt.

  • What are the Golden Globes and why are we here

    • This is mostly for Auntie Kylie

    • The promotion of “A Complete Unknown”

    • Residual promotion of Auntie, “The Kardashians”, and her businesses

    • This is a work event for both of you, please be professionals

  • Wardrobe

    • Timothée

      • Tom Ford tuxedo (underwhelming)

      • He wants to keep his facial hair

      • He will land on the worst-dressed list

      • Timothée’s team is managing this. Not my problem.

    • Auntie Kylie

      • Backless Versace Gown from 1999

      • Hot!

      • People will hate it, so it’s good press

  • Ceremony Behavior

    • Auntie Kylie will not do the red carpet with Timothée

      • Let’s not get crazy

    • Auntie Kylie will sit to the right of Timothée at the table

      • For the best camera angle and lighting

    • Auntie will appear to be BFF’s with Elle Fanning and Monica Barbaro

      • Elle and Monica are co-stars of Timothée

      • Elle and Monica have been briefed

      • Elle and Monica have signed NDAs

    • Timothée will appear to be interested in Auntie Kylie

      • I know you like her, but you need to pretend Auntie is interesting

      • Please seem amused if and when Auntie brings up Norman

      • Do not ask Auntie about books or anything related to reading

  • The Kiss

    • Timothée and Auntie kiss for the cameras

    • Relationship hard launch

    • Auntie Kylie will be the aggressor because Timothée is a theater kid at heart

    • Getty Photos to capture

  • Departure

    • Timothée and Auntie pose for a picture

    • Timothée and Auntie exit the Golden Globes hand in hand

  • Feedback exchange and discussion

    • I’m not taking any interjections

    • Auntie Kylie requested a pizza hot pocket for the car ride home because she can’t be seen eating at the event

    • Timothée offered tickets to North to see his film, but she declined

Before I wrapped things up, I let Timothée and his team know that we are interested in other award shows, if the Golden Globes were a success. My client Aunt is only interested in the Oscars. Don’t waste our time with the Critic’s Choice award show. You can call EmRata for that. We have a tentative meeting set-up to discuss this further.

When the meeting concluded, I was confident we were all on the same page. And because I pride myself in being flexible, I let Timothée have his uncomfortable facial hair, if Auntie Kylie could grab a boob in a couple of photos in an effort to start a new trend.

We all got what we wanted.

Overall, I’m pleased with the outcome of the night. Good PR makes me feel alive!

Auntie Kylie did what needed to be done at the Golden Globes. We got our shots and our headlines. We held up our end of the agreement and ushered in people to see Timothée’s film, “A Complete Unknown”, which is in theaters now!!!!!!! (I’m hoping the exclamation points make it seem like I would see this movie. Spoiler alert: I will not be seeing this movie.)

Happy to be back, the game needs me!