I Just Saved "The Lion King"

I’m happy to announce that I am starring in “The Lion King” live at the Hollywood Bowl. Joining me on stage are the previously announced cast members: Jeremy Irons, Nathan Lane, Billy Eichner, Ernie Sabella, Jason Weaver, Jennifer Hudson and Bradley Gibson, Heather Headley, and Lebo M.

After seeing who else was cast in this thing, you probably had the same reaction I had: What was the budget? Is everything okay over at Disney? Bankruptcy perhaps?

Disney quickly realized they didn’t have the star power to move tickets. Before it was announced that I was joining the production, ticket sales were worse than Jennifer Lopez’ tour. (By the way, JLo, if you’re reading this, there’s no shame in putting the tickets on Groupon. Do what’s necessary to prepare your finances for the (alleged) divorce.)

Initially, Disney wanted me to audition for a role.

Tuh!

I told them y’all called me. This is not Jennifer Hudson. I have real talent and I wasn’t in that Cats movie.

Check my resume. I was just in a hit Paw Patrol movie that did NUMBERS at the box office. My film grossed over $202 million worldwide. Play in somebody else’s face.

I don’t audition. You either come to the table with a number or we don’t do this. Disney needs me to save this show, I don’t need them. They’re the ones trying to rebrand “The Lion King” for the millionth time (Are they not tired?).

I let Kris handle this deal, but I had her CC me on all communication because I didn’t trust her not to cast herself in the show. She kept trying to convince me that she would be a great Zazu. I overheard her tell the Disney team that she wanted to do a fitting for the costume. I blame her kids for her severe delusion.

After a series of meetings, Kris finalized a very lucrative contract. However, I was disappointed that they were unwilling to call the show “The Lion King Featuring North West and Friends”.

I already had merch ideas. Such a missed opportunity.

The shows will take place on May 24 and 25 in celebration of “The Lion King’s” 30th anniversary and will be released as a special on Disney+.