The episode started with Mommy at Auntie Kylie’s house. Mommy thinks Auntie Kylie is her twin flame forever.
Auntie Kylie finally decided to film, but this was her only scene for the entire episode. It’s like nobody wants to work these days.
Mommy just got back from Milan and she thought a lot about Auntie Kourtney while she was out there. She wished she could share her travel experiences with her.
Mommy told Auntie Kylie her plans to take her son, Saint, on a soccer tour. Saint had a newfound obsession with soccer. Mommy loved her girls (even though the girls stole her clothes and had attitudes), but there was nothing like being a boy mom for her.
This woman loves playing the victim. I only give her an attitude when she lets her son just wander into my glam room. Keep Saint on your side of the property and I won’t have to gather you.
Also, exactly who is stealing her clothes, because it’s not me. You think I would be caught dead in this:
Next, Kris and Auntie Khloe arrived at Scott’s house to check on him and his back injury. Scott’s back still hurt pretty bad and he was sure he would have to get surgery.
Kris quickly changed the subject and asked him who he was dating. She said it’s the question everyone wants to know. Scott said he’s been too focused on himself and the kids, but he also gets lonely.
Scott is only focusing on his kids and himself. Again I ask, who in this family actually works??? Is Talentless just running itself???
Kris asked him what his perfect girl looked like on paper. Scott said she would be funny, kind, sweet, cute… basically, all the characteristics that Auntie Khloe possessed.
Then, Kris pitched the idea of a matchmaker for Scott.
In the middle of her pitch, Penelope entered the room so they asked her what qualities should they look for in a girl for her dad. Penelope said older than what he’s used to. No girls in their 20s because he’s 40. Penelope told him not to date someone who was 19. The girl has to have a good personality, she can be pretty, someone who goes to the gym because he needs to go to the gym too. Overall, Penelope wanted Scott to have a girlfriend.
Penelope is basically saying don’t bring another Sofia Richie home. At 40, Scott should not be attending anyone’s High School prom for a date night. Stop dating Gen Z.
If she still wears OshKosh B'gosh, she’s still young for you, bro.
Next, Mommy started her “Soccer Mom Tour” with her son and his friends. The first stop was London. Mommy tries to take trips based on her kid's passions. It’s a fun and amazing bonding experience. She took Chi and her friends to the zoo in San Diego because Chi likes animals and she took me to Paris Fashion Week because I like fashion.
This is a false narrative. I took Mommy with me on a work trip to Paris Fashion Week and ate her up with every single look. I did enjoy our time together, but to act like she did me a favor is gross.
Back in Calabasas, Kris and Auntie Khloe interviewed five women that a matchmaker picked for Scott. The minimum age of the women was 29. They liked all the girls, but ultimately chose Celine for Scott. She runs a lingerie line with her sisters.
A dark-haired woman who runs a business with her sisters. So they basically chose a taller version of Auntie Kourtney.
Auntie Khloe said when she’s willing to date she’d be open to letting her sisters interview people for her. She thinks they would be better at picking than she would because she doesn’t trust her own picking.
Nobody in this family has a track record of having a successful relationship. As it stands today, the family averages 6 divorces, 3 baby daddies, 1 baby mama, hundreds of break-ups, a multitude of situationships, and a host of PR relationships. Uncle Rob’s ex even sued us. Hire a professional, auntie. It’s that clear no one knows what they are doing.
Back in London, Mommy and her son were getting ready to attend the first soccer game of their trip. In the car, Mommy talked about how she’s basically only going to the Met because of a huge story that came out that claimed no one from the family was invited. She’s petty, so she was going to go. She teased that she was bringing a date, but in actuality, she wanted to bring Karl Lagerfeld’s cat, Chuppette. She was going to meet the cat in Paris, so she hoped it liked her.
I told her absolutely not to that cat idea. Her obsession with famous dead people’s possessions has got to stop. Hasn’t Chuppette been through enough?
At the stadium, Saint announced it was the worst day of his life because Mommy left his jersey at home. Later, Saint and his friends got to meet the players and the mascot and they were gifted other jerseys. The kids were finally happy.
Full disclosure: I had the Malikas take the jersey out of Saint’s suitcase. We needed a storyline. I don’t regret it, I make no apologies, and I’d do it again. The show is my priority, not Saint’s feelings. He’ll get over it.
Mommy explained that her family and her household are very female-driven, so she hired a Manny so she could have a positive male figure around her boys. She was scared to tell DadYe about the manny, but he wasn’t mad and was actually very nice to the manny.
Mommy said I live my life as an only child and Chi and Sam live like twins. Saint loves those other two, but since I won’t hang out with him Mommy wanted to give him some attention.
What was the name of this episode? Throw North Under the Bus?
He’s your child, you hang out with him. I believe this is called, parenting. I’m not a daycare.
Back in Calabasas, Kris went to Scott’s house to get an update on how his date with Celine went. Scott thought Celine was optimistic, really positive, and happy. Kris thought that was good because Scott could be a “Debbie Downer” at times.
Scott talked to her more than he’s talked to girls he’s dated in the past. The things about Celine that stood out for him were that she has never dated anyone long-term, she’s never had her heart broken, she’s never had hardships, and she’s never been to therapy. Scott thought she had good energy and he would hang out with her, but there was no love connection. However, he did think it was good to get out of his comfort zone.
Scott is looking for someone to trauma bond with. Sorry Celine, you’re too emotionally stable for this family.
(Take it as a compliment.)
Kris appreciated that Scott gave it a shot and she just wanted him to find someone he enjoys spending time with. Kris also said she could get him on the Bachelorette, but Scott said that sounded like a nightmare.
Hey, at the end of the day, it was decent content for the show, Scott got a check, and Celine got some good publicity for her lingerie line. Everyone wins.
Meanwhile, Mommy took her son and his friends sightseeing and shopping in London. They were also going to see Back to the Future: The Musical later that night where they got to meet the cast after the show.
It was St. Patrick’s Day and security was watching all the kids so the moms could go to the pub. At the pub, Mommy met a fellow law student. She thought it was fun just to hang out in a random pub and be normal.
Just so you all know I have no desire to be normal. If you see me out, do not approach me or my security will use deadly force.
After London, the next stop on the “Soccer Mom Tour” was Paris.
Back in Calabasas, Auntie Khloe popped up at Kris’ house. Kris told Auntie Khloe she was proud of Scott for going on the blind date. Getting involved in Scott’s dating life made Kris think about Khloe and where her head was in regard to Tristan.
Kris asked Auntie Khloe how she would feel if Tristan moved on to someone else. Auntie Khloe said she wouldn’t know until she was there, but she wanted him to move on and be happy. She remembered when she and Lamar were broken up and the first time she saw him with someone else it stung, but she still didn’t want to be with him. She imagined it would be the same with Tristan.
No shade, but haven’t we already seen Tristan with other women? I thought this was kinda his thing.
Kris wondered if Tristan did move on, would Auntie Khloe regret not getting back with him fully in a monogamous relationship?
Kris had a hard time pronouncing monogamous. Tristan also has a hard time with this word.
Kris saw the way that Tristan looked at Khloe and the effort he put in with the kids. Auntie Khloe admitted that Tristan was a great guy and it frustrated her that she molded him, but someone else will get to experience his greatness. However, that doesn’t mean she is going to settle for him when he never thought about her. Almost her entire life men didn’t realize how great she was until they were terrible to her. She wondered, why couldn’t someone see how great she was to begin with.
Auntie Khloe told Kris to ask Tristan how he would feel if she moved on. Kris was sure that he would be devastated. Auntie Khloe asked Kris If Tristan was going to be devastated, then why did he do the things he did?
Auntie Khloe then flipped it on Kris and asked her what her mindset was when she cheated (on her father). Kris was gagged!
The episode ended on a to be continued.
Drag her, Auntie!