I have four words for you: Willy Wonka Lip Kits
For years The Jenners have been a sore subject for me. Lazy and entitled don’t even begin to describe these people. Brody somehow added me to the list of people he blames for his childhood. Auntie Kylie will barely film the show and when she does she acts like she’s doing me a favor. Tuh! Aunt Kenny won't do the simple act of having a baby but expects me to use my huge platform to promote 818 Tequila. What part of the game is that?
I thought we were going to have a breakthrough with Aunt Kenny when she started dating Bad Bunny, but she is still uncooperative. She doesn’t want him on the show and she won’t do the cover of Vogue with him. This level of privacy is disgusting.
Last week, Auntie Kylie unexpectedly popped up at my office to apologize for her behavior. I was suspicious, but I told her, “First of all, don’t ever come here unannounced. The proper protocol is to request a meeting through the Malikas. They have full access to my calendar. Secondly, apology accepted.”
After I let her bore me with a bizarre story about how she thinks Norman is Sammy Davis Jr. reincarnated because Norman’s favorite song is Mr. Bojangles, I asked her to tell me why she really came to my office. As I expected, she wanted something.
Kris was pressuring Auntie Kylie to go public with Timothée Chalamet before season 4 of the show airs. Auntie Kylie saw how I successfully executed Aunt Kourt’s pregnancy announcement at the Blink-182 concert and she wanted my help.
I have a soft spot for a good PR moment, so I was on board. I also planned to charge her an insanely high consulting fee.
Concerts had proven to be the perfect place for a publicity stunt so I arranged for Auntie and Timothée to go public at the greatest show on Earth: Beyoncé’s Renaissance concert on Beyoncé’s birthday. My own genius scares me sometimes.
Then, in the months following the couples’ debut, we will release the new Willy Wonka collection for Kylie Cosmetics, which will include a limited-edition lip kit. Because this was all my idea and I was extremely inconvenienced, I will require 30% of the total gross revenue from the collection.
My lawyers drew up the paperwork, she signed, and I went to work.
Since I was already planning on attending the concert, I had the Malikas include Auntie Kylie and Timothée in my arrangements for the night. I placed them in the VIP Box, which was highly visible to the entire arena so everyone could see them.
These two went viral before Beyoncé could do the Mute Challenge. Another job well done.
The next day my team and I celebrated with bagels at the staff meeting. I even let them tell me what they did last weekend (that was hard to sit through).
I think I’ll treat myself to an office remodel with the money I’ll make from the Willy Wonka collection.